I Never Learn

I guess this is it.

I never learn.

It's the same feeling of being shouted at from across the road in front of a lot of people. The same feeling where you got no where to run and nothing to do but smile.

Smile.

Even if it hurts. Even if it burns.

It's the same feeling you get when you're left hanging and the person you expected to see is suddenly a thousand miles away. No good byes. The feeling where you have no choice but to turn back, and smile.

Smile.

Even if it hurts. Even if it burns.

It's the same feeling when you're on the phone talking to someone who meant a lot to you, telling you that there's another one and that another one is also close to your heart - almost a brother. That feeling when you can't get the tears to fall and all you can do is let go. Just smile.

Smile.

Even if it burns. Even if it hurts.

Now the silent ones hurt the most. When kindness gets too much and too close for comfort, you fall but then in the end there's nothing there. So much for trying not to hurt anyone. There's nothing to do but smile.

Smile.

Even if it hurts. Even if it burns.

In the end it's always my fault. It's always the guys who are to blame.

There are just those stupid jocks who think they own all women, they take it all at the same time. Thereby making women think that all men are like that. They lie, cheat, steal and break leaving the women scarred and fighting for life - the life that they lost.

Then there are those weirdos who love too deeply even if unreciprocated. They get no fighting chance because the woman they loved thought all men are the same - stupid jocks. They couldn't say what they feel because they have been rejected even before saying anything. They just smile.

Then there's God. Why is God in the picture? Because He's the guy who loves everyone too deeply but gets rejected because everyone wants something else. He gets rejected because our careers, our futures and many other trivial stuff are seen as more lovable than Him - the author of love Himself.

In the end the guys are all to blame. They're all the same anyway.

They're all sinful human beings.

And they just don't learn. 

I just never learn.

Random Thoughts 2

I purposely titled the first post as Random Thoughts 1 because I know there will be a second one. I didn't realize it will come out a few hours apart.

I am thinking and typing at random so don't expect to find a direction in this post. Hello! Random Thoughts??

I am currently uninterested in doing my work. I am just killing time and energy here. The irony is that though I realize that I am doing nothing worthwhile, I like it and still continue doing it.

Heaven came down and offered me a good life. I have COCO JAM!!

It is hard to set up a business especially if you are not business minded. The paperwork is harder than 100 evaluation reports with home programs on a monthly basis.

I am just ranting and accomplishing nothing. clap clap clap.

Random thoughts 1

January 2013.

What is happening. A month deep into the new year and I don't know what's happening.

I'm just around trolling. Commenting on other people's facebook, twitter or blog. Making fun of their posts whether it's about serious matters or just trivial stuff. It just goes to show that nothing's happening.

Things just happen in a blur. Everything's blurry now. I don't actually know what's happening.

Funny thing though is that I like it that way. Blurry. Nothing definite. Nothing absolute.

I find myself drifting in limbo where my work is a sideline, my hobby my past time and my whole life a blur. All the while I still manage to survive.

Still, it's hard to prove you're not a robot.

Taking It Further Again

Another wishlist appeared at the office for the fourth straight year. And again, I've stared at those blanks under my name. Others have already filled up theirs. So for the fourth straight year, what do I want that's worth 500 pesos?

I couldn't think of any.

My colleagues kept on urging me to fill up the blanks. I thought, is there a DSLR worth 500 pesos? It wouldn't even be enough to buy me a lens or even a neckstrap. Is there a girlfriend worth 500 pesos? I doubt that girlfriend would be for keeps if she had a tag price. What book is worth 500 pesos? There's a lot. But what book do I like that's worth 500 pesos? There's not too many. Besides, my reading list has exceeded epic proportions so adding another book to the list might drive me crazy. Still I had to put something. In any case books are the safest bet. I also placed in a hiking gear that I guess could be worth 500 pesos.

Again, the thought of a wishlist still made me think. What do I really want?

Making what I started in 2009 a tradition, I submit to you the things I would really like to have. God willing, He would grant these things to me in 2013.

1. Laptop/Netbook - I'd go for the less expensive and more portable netbook. My HP Mini has seen quite a battle. It is about to breathe its last anytime soon. I liked how it worked so I'm going to get me another one once it breathed its last. I don't need anything to big. I'm not playing games anyway. I just wanted something to type with and to go online with. So for the first part of 2013, I'm going to consciously save up for a new netbook.

2. DSLR / Digicam - I guess 2013 is a year of restarting. Although I've been wishing for an SLR since 2009 but never managed to get one. I began to think if I really needed one. I think it's too bulky and heavy for travel. And when you go on trips, you needed that ultra quick draw skills that could easily be carried out if you were carrying a digicam. My phone camera sucks so I needed a separated digicam or DSLR. Whichever it is, I just need something to capture the moment with. Still it's yet to be seen if I could save up for one.

3. Apple Product or Tablet - I don't care anymore whether it's an Iphone or an Ipod touch or an Ipad. I could also work with a Samsung Galaxy Tab or Note or even just a Coby Kyros. But I'd surely go for the Apple product. All of those could save me from boredom on days when I'm waiting for a flight or give an added means of taking pictures when needed. Plus, I could use an Ipad for work. Tablet could work too. This has not been a priority so I wasn't able to obtain this even after years of putting this on my wishlist.

4. Book Collection - It's not actually a wish because I already have a book collection. I just wanted to add more to my already growing collection. Still this time, I wanted a Filipiniana Collection. Bob Ong. Ambeth Ocampo. Bo Sanchez. I have their books but not their whole collection. I hope I could complete them within this year that is if they stop writing this year. If not, this entry to this list would still be here next year.

5. My Own Business - This is not far from happening. It actually is already in the works. I just hope I could have enough backbone to maintain and keep it. I am praying that this would materialize this year. God willing, I would be able to have this earlier this year.

These are the material things that I wanted to have for this year. Again, as tradition dictates, I will forget about this and let God do the rest.

Still Taking It Further Some More Post Script

I think this is the right time and moment to reflect on the things that I have done for the year. It's four years to go until the new year.

Back in 2009, when this blog was still in Multiply, I posted, just for the heck of it, a wish list that I wanted for the year. As the days past and the posts piled on, I totally forgot about my wish list. It was by accident when I stumbled upon it at the end 2010. I couldn't believe that 4 out of the 7 things on my wishlist was granted. I was able to obtain more than half of what I wished for. Actually, 2 of those could never be obtained in a years span considering that it was just my second year of work that time. I did it again each year with a post script after the year to look back at the list. It became a persona tradition. Funny thing is that I always forget what I wrote on that list every year.

This year was another year of blessings. I dug deep into my wish list before 2011 ended and found that I was able to get 3 out of the 7 items I have listed. 1 of the 7 is not a material wish. 3 out of the 7 are too expensive.

Then again, I am thankful to the Lord.

1. Running/Sports Watch - Since joining the running bandwagon, I wanted to track my progress. I was fortunate to find a real cool deal with Ensogo and bought it immediately. It also has a heart rate monitor that could help me track my hear and pulse rates while running. It's really cool.

2. Ipod/Iphone - OK, I didn't get either an Ipod or an Iphone, but I did get a new BlackBerry phone and I couldn't ask for more. I guess this year is not the year for me to get an Apple product. Although someone did gave me a charger as a present.Could this mean I'm going to have an Apple gadget next year? We'll see...

3. Hiking Stuff - I was only able to climb two minor mountains this year. But my impulsiveness allowed me to buy a Merrel Chameleon 3 for almost half the price. It was a big help for the two mountains I climbed. Apart from that, I was able to finally use my new hiking jacket and hat. I was also able to obtain other stuff but the major ones have to wait until next year.

Apart from that, I was able to own more than I deserved this year. I couldn't help but be thankful for what a wonderful year it has been. There may be a lot of lows, but this has definitely been a blessed year.

All Time Low

At the start of the year until leaving Multiply, this blog has seen a decline.

With only 8 posts for the whopping whole year, it has been the lowest since I started writing in Multiply in 2008.

Now the year is about to end, I couldn't catch up the 48 posts I had in 2011 or the 46 posts in 2010, much more the 91 posts in 2009.

But come 2013, I guess I have to write more and give this blog a personality like the other two. That is yet to be seen.

What A Year It Has Been

There were lots of hang ups and put downs. There has been a lot of battles and victories.

This year has been a great roller coaster ride probably bigger than the years before it.

I have learned an awful lot. I couldn't imagine how far I've gone from what I was last year. Not to boast, I have been placed in a bigger position this year that required me to make crucial decisions and rely on more people.

I have been blessed by a great Youth Council that knows how to carry the burdens with me. Some have brains the size of elephants that throws out great ideas. Some have dedication and commitment the size of whales who never tire of bringing out their best for the Lord. Some have the heart and passion for service that walked with me an extra mile. Some have the ear and shoulder that they offered to be cried on.

I couldn't ask for more. The youth council made up of the leaders of each ministry have become my strength for the past year. I know it sounds corny and stupid but I cannot help but look back at how far we have gone as a ministry.

I guess this is still not over. The stones we cast are good for another year.

Let's do this PAC-YM!
Let's keep the fire burning!